Patience as Parents: 5 Strategies to Repair Negative Interactions with Your Child(ren)

ARGH!!! I had a long week at work and I walked in the door to find my children’s coats and book bags on every flat surface in the living room. Half drunk water bottles and empty snack wrappers were everywhere. My daughter left all of the ingredients of slime scattered across the kitchen table, and I almost killed myself tripping on my son’s basketball at the bottom of the steps! Honestly, I lost it. I yelled for the whole family to “figure it out!” because I was off duty. My children looked at me, eyes wide, fearful of the raving maniac who had obviously taken over their typically loving parent.

Does this sound familiar? If you have ever yelled at your child, you are not alone. If you were ever left feeling hurt, regret, or shame after an exchange with your child, you are not alone. As parents, we do not aim to harm our children. We do not set out to become a source of pain. Even well-meaning adults make mistakes. And likewise, well-behaved children have an ability to push said adults to the point of overwhelming frustration.

So, how do we move from from a place of high emotion to a space that is far less triggering?

1) Realize that good parents want to be (and do) better. One of the reasons that parents feel regret after yelling is because they do not want to cause permanent harm. Well-meaning parents fear that their words in moments of frustration may lead their child to develop negative self-esteem or a maladaptive self-perception; that is, they fear that their own shortcomings as a parent may cause their child’s future misfortune. These fears are legitimate. So many parents feel sorry when they lose their cool and fall short of the loving, tolerant caretaker they aim to be. Quite frankly, the fact that a parent feels sad, upset, or disappointed when he/she yells only further highlights his/her good intentions. Certainly “bad parents” do not feel regret when they lose their temper.

2) Revisit the concern when you are in a calm state. Your words are not written in stone. Once you have had a moment to regulate your emotions, it is ok to go back and acknowledge your wrongdoing. Take the time to revisit the incident and explain how you wish you would have responded in that moment. Do not be afraid to say, “I’m sorry.” You can apologize for your delivery, even if your disappointment in your child’s behavior remains the same. For example, tell your child, “I was very upset with _______; however, the way that I spoke to you was not right. I should have told you _________. It is important that you know how much I love you. I did not intend to say anything that may make you believe otherwise.” This type of revision, or redo, models healthy ways to correct undesirable actions. It also teaches your child to take ownership of his/her mistakes.

3) Share the responsibility. Explain to your child that you do not want to yell and you are interested in his/her point of view about the situation. Ask him/her 1) what captures their attention in a positive way, and 2) what motivates them to comply. This may help improve communication moving forward.

4) For every withdrawal, make two deposits. Another good rule of thumb when redirecting your child’s behaviors is: be conscious that your praises outweigh your criticisms. Healthy parents set the bar high for their children and they may feel frustrated when their child falls short of expectations. After all, parents work hard to ensure that their child has the skills and resources to meet these standards. That is why it is important to highlight your child’s successes as well as their transgressions. If you are disappointed in their decision-making or you are angry at their blatant disregard for your instructions, it is fine to communicate your disappointment and verbalize when your child is falling short of expectations. At the same time, you must boost your child’s confidence in their ability to be successful. This can be done by highlighting areas where your child has been successful in the past. It can also be achieved by recognizing your child’s strengths and communicating your belief in their ability to master areas that need improvement.

5) Less yelling is still improvement. It is difficult to completely eradicate an existing pattern of behaviors. Can it be done? Absolutely. There would be no reason for me to work with clients if all thoughts and behaviors were fixed, or inflexible. Nevertheless, change takes commitment. It often means redefining your measure of success. For instance, if you yelled daily, but you were able to reduce your loud episodes to 2-3 times a week, THAT IS IMPROVEMENT. Remember: the goal is progress not perfection. It is important to recognize small victories, as a series of small steps will lead to greater change.