Help!! I'm Losing My Mind with My Passive Aggressive Child!
Passive aggression doesn’t just mean snarky comments made when a child thinks you are out of earshot. It is not limited to avoidance or rude/disrespectful behavior. In fact, passive aggressive behavior can be difficult to define because it is so covert, common and variable. Nevertheless, there are ways to decrease this type of conduct and foster more positive communication in your children. Many professionals who have studied the patterns of passive aggressive behaviors amongst people believe that this type of conduct is often related to one’s desire to keep peace, to avoid mistakes or to preserve dignity. So, what does this behavior look like in children?
Many of us are familiar with externalized forms of passive aggressive behavior. This often includes negative attitudes and opposition in an attempt to avoid meeting expectations or requirements, such as making excuses for not following directions, purposefully failing to complete a task correctly, blaming others for shortcomings and playing the victim.
Another form of passion aggression may be better identified as passive resistance. As opposed to externalized behaviors, such as yelling or whining, a child may ignore you, procrastinate or sulk in response to your requests. He/she may refuse to verbally discuss issues or may shut down during communication. This can be frustrating for many parents.
In order to effectively address unwanted passive behaviors, parents must understand that there are many factors that contribute to passive aggression. This behavior can be observed in environments where expression of emotions is discouraged, where displays of anger/aggression are not socially acceptable, or where a child feels unable to confront the source of his/her anger.
So what can parents and caretakers do when confronted with a child who regularly engages in passive opposition?
1- You have to learn recognize the signs of passive aggressive behavior. Pay attention to your child’s patterns and try to identify the triggers of his/her non-verbalized anger. Once identified, provide education on ways for your child to recognize sources of anger and exhibit a more appropriate emotional response.
2- It is helpful to verbalize your observation of the child’s feelings in a way that is non-judgmental. If you are not sure why your child is responding in such a manner, ask him/her. You might say, “I am confused about why you are upset. Did I say/do something that upset you?” This invites the child to address the source of his/her anger in a socially acceptable way.
3- Be sure to manage your own anger and avoid attacking your child, as that typically reinforces feelings of helplessness. Most passive aggression in children is an attempt to gain control over an undesirable situation.
4- You may be able to reduce your child’s passive aggressive responses by establishing clear expectations and avoiding assumptions that your child understands your request. Explicitly communicate your expectations of quality, quantity and deadlines in a neutral and assertive tone even if the task has been completed many times in the past.
5- Where possible, give your child options to redirect their behavior and effectively complete the instruction. For example, if addressing a teen who refuses to pause from a video game to complete chores, a parent might say, “It is your responsibility to take out the trash. You can complete that task now and earn __ minutes of play time this evening, or you can finish your game by __, take out the trash and find something else to do for the remainder of the evening.”
Parents, please recognize that you may not be able to eliminate passive aggressiveness altogether. However, you may effectively disengage your child’s anger by modeling positive communication and establishing clear emotional and behavioral expectations. It is also important to enforce logical and consistent consequences in response to misbehavior, as this teaches children accountability and reinforces expectations of future behavior.