Pause: Did you remember your own mask?

Pause: Did you remember your mask?

Self-care for “essential” (and “nonessential”) workers

Many of us are familiar with the inflight passenger announcements made by flight attendants prior to takeoff. Although we may drown out the message by listening to music on our headphones, or by talking to our neighbor, at some point during our travels most of us have heard the speech regarding boarding, door closures and safety procedures. There is one particular message that tends to resonate with me no matter how many times I hear it: “If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your own mask first and then assist the other person.”

I do not fully understand why this message repeatedly catches my attention. Perhaps it is the sobering realization that in the case of a disaster I am being instructed to save myself before my loved ones. Likewise, it may be the awareness that if the unthinkable occurs I will have to make a choice whether to prioritize my own safety over the safety of those I care deeply about. To be honest, the thought of putting on my mask before that of my 13-year-old son is unfathomable, and one I am reluctant to commit to. After all, it is my job as his mother to protect him and keep him safe from harm.

As adult caregivers we often balance many responsibilities. We become competent at juggling the roles of parent, child, sibling, student, employee, supervisor, etc. We are pulled in multiple directions, and we become accustomed to fulfilling varying expectations. We instinctually meet the needs of others with little thought about the level of energy and effort it takes to do so. That is, many of us pay little attention to our own breath as we secure the masks for our loved ones, our employers, our clients and our customers…regularly.

I have worked in the area of childhood trauma for many years. I am accustomed to meeting with vulnerable families, providing crisis intervention, assessing mental health needs and making recommendations toward recovery and resilience. I am also a mother and a wife. I enjoy nurturing my children, cheering them on in sports competitions, helping with schoolwork, preparing family meals, supporting my husband’s business initiatives, maintaining a comfortable home, etc. I am additionally an entrepreneur with my own private practice where I provide psychotherapy services, complete medical billing, maintain client case files and present to groups on various topics. Like most of you, my responsibilities are many. I can confidently say that I am a competent employee, mother, and business owner, while also being a loving daughter, spouse, sister and friend. I balance these roles with some effort, but I do so passionately and effectively.

So, imagine my surprise when the COVID-19 pandemic hit the United States and I found myself, like many others, at home with more time to myself than I have experienced in the culmination of my adulthood. Time which afforded me an opportunity to reflect on my life, my duties, my strengths and my shortcomings. In this stillness, I felt exposed and vulnerable. I felt anxious, lost, confused, even shaken. Despite my education and my experience as a mental health clinician, I was not coping well physically, mentally or emotionally. I was unsettled at best. I was in need of something… but I was unclear what that something was or how to attain it. It was in this space, absent of distractions and demands, that I realized I had been so focused on my role supporting and loving others, that I had forgotten to secure my own mask… and I was running out of air.

I will admit that it took me time to recognize that I had been holding my breath. I did not immediately realize that while I had been pouring so much energy and effort into others, I had overlooked my own need for air. But during the quarantine, when the distractions slunk away and I was left with the space to consider my own needs, I finally understood that I. Needed. Air.

My discomfort forced me to reflect upon my well-being. I shifted to a state of self-preservation and I began to prioritize my physical/emotional needs over others’. I rediscovered my love of reading, writing and quilting. I focused my energy on my backyard garden, as the beauty of nature plus the bounty of fruits and vegetables resulting from my labor brought me comfort. I took nights off from cooking, allowing the family to “fend for themselves” by reheating leftovers, making sandwiches, eating cereal, etc (and I did so WITHOUT GUILT). I even began to adopt a new workout routine. I did these things without pressure, as my time and energy allowed.

Now, I will not say that every day since my refocused commitment to myself has been rainbows and sunshine. I have had some therapeutic cries, a few melodramatic arguments with my husband and even some days where I lie in bed doing nothing but watching mindless television. And THAT IS OKAY. What is most important is that I have rediscovered myself. I have begun to prioritize my needs alongside those who I love. I have adopted sustainable self-care practices. And most of all, I have begun to develop self-compassion.

As we continue into the second phase of this pandemic, I challenge you to rediscover the things that bring you joy. Practice self-care: Exercise & eat regularly, Get adequate sleep, Learn relaxation exercises, Challenge negative thoughts, Take a break from stressful situations and most importantly Build a positive network of support! Make a commitment to reconnect with your pleasures, needs and desires. Show yourself grace as you navigate these stressful times. BE KIND to yourself. If this pandemic has not taught me anything else, it has taught me this: prioritizing oneself is not selfish, it is necessary.